All the Way
by nooblet
Summary: Touko didn't lie to herself – she'd love to go that far with N. So why had she stopped halfway? Touko reflects on the night's earlier actions and ponders her thoughts. Touko&N, FerriswheelShipping


**A/N: Re-uploaded from 1/15/12, so some of you hardcore FerrisWheelShipping fans may find this to be familiar. Title changed from ****Reflect and Review**** to ****All the Way****, some revisions were made, and errors were fixed.**

**It's finally complete! I'm telling you now: I'm not the best when it comes to writing romance, it's my first attempt too, but it's FerrisWheelShipping – I wanted to do it!**

**All the Way**

**Summary: **Touko didn't lie to herself – she'd love to go that far with N. So why had she stopped halfway? Touko reflects on the night's earlier actions and ponders her thoughts. Touko&N, FerriswheelShipping

01:15 A.M. The darkness of the hotel room enveloped the two figures lying in bed, with only the dim light of the clock to provide very little light. The window, covered by shut blinds, refused to let any amount of light into the room, whether it came from the moon or from street lights outside.

Ah, that's right – they were snowed in for the night, and Touko had forgotten this until a shiver ran through her body. She took a good nap for an hour, but now found herself restless and unable to fall back asleep.

Touko's body roused underneath the sheets, bringing the sheets as close as she can to her and cuddling closer to the figure next to her in attempt to keep warm. She could've chosen to get off the bed to pick her long sleeve shirt off of the floor and put it over her tank top, and maybe she could've worn his shirt too… but she chose not to. Touko tried to convince herself that she didn't want to wake him up, which has half true and half false, but she liked the position they were in right now because moments like this didn't happen between them as much anymore.

Excluding the few sounds that came from outside or from the rooms next to theirs, Touko only heard the sounds that resulted from fidgeting in bed and N's quiet breathing. He seemed to have slept soundly, and Touko had no intention of disturbing that. Not like she could anyway – his arm remained snug around her waist, and if she dared to move it away, she was sure he'd wake up.

Touko lightly rested her hands on N's bare shoulders, and he slightly stirred in response. Maybe his body reacted to her touch; maybe her hands were cold? She lifted her left hand away from his shoulder and pressed the back of it against her cheek. Her hands were definitely cold. Maybe, if the blankets were thicker, if his shirt were still on… or if they choose to have sex then they'd be warmer.

She reflected back on the events that ensued a few hours ago. Touko felt a little guilty, stopping midway, but it's not like their actions escalated any further then kissing, feeling each other, and discarding a few articles of clothing. N seemed to be puzzled with Touko's decision, but he respected her decision and went no further. Both of them gradually regained their composure and lay next to each other, letting the silence linger for a moment. Eventually, they casually talked for a bit, joked, and laughed it off before they slept. Touko felt relieved in a way, that their actions felt as if they weren't entirely done through lust; it was still… hot, and yet she felt more love and passion instead.

Touko brought the side of her face to his warm chest, taking in his warmth and listening to the sound of his evenly-beating heart. Why had she stopped, she kept questioning herself. If it was with N, she'd happily oblige because she loved only him enough to be willing to do it with him.

"I love you too much, N," Touko muttered under her breath. She moved her head back and raised her head just enough for her lips to place a kiss below his collarbone. "I guess I just wasn't ready today, but I'll be ready next time-"

As she kissed his collarbone, she remembered the way N had kissed hers earlier – or, sucked, nipped? It felt… different, and he said it would leave a mark… and then she realized he had left hickeys on her.

Curious as to how they looked like, Touko imagined herself as a ninja getting out of bed, which didn't work out as well as she wanted it to. She slowly rolled away from N's grasp and toward the edge of the bed, which worked, until she rolled off of the bed and, with a noticeable 'thud', landed sideways on the carpet floor. Touko's initial reaction consisted of her scrambling onto her knees and checking if N awoke. Much to her relief, he remained asleep. After letting out a sigh of relief, she crawled on her knees and made her way to the bathroom, avoiding the shirts and hats on the floor, making as little noise as possible. She closed the bathroom door only enough to avoid the clicking noise it made.

Touko flipped the switch for the dim light on and stood in front of the sink and mirror. Her surprised sapphire eyes scanned the reflection in front of her. Her brown hair, which was usually tied back into a ponytail, fell midway down her back. It was somewhat messy – bedhead messy from sleeping (and from N running his hands through it), but not like sex hair. One of her black tank top's spaghetti straps, as well as one of her bra straps, hung off of her right shoulder. She had not planned on staying overnight with N, so she wore jeans instead of her usual Pokémon pajama bottoms.

And then her eyes trailed to the hickey above the right side of her collarbone, closer to the crook of her neck. It seemed dime-size, a little red (did she a spot or two of purple?), and definitely noticeable, depending on what shirts she wore. If she needed to, she noted to use a scarf.

Touko adjusted her tank and bra straps so they stay put on her shoulder. While doing this, she noticed another red-looking spot, peeping out of the top of her tank. Out of suspicion, she pulled the top of her tank down just a bit and saw what she expected: another hickey, located just around the top her left breast.

A small blush crept to Touko's dumbfounded face. Just looking at it reminded Touko of how she got it: N snuggled between her legs, using two of his long fingers to pull down the top of her tank to expose part of her left breast and using his other hand to pin her right wrist on the mattress. Touko used her left hand to toss N's cap on the floor, carefully undo his ponytail, and run her hand through his tea-green hair and lightly tug as he nipped. N's hair fell around his face and lightly tickled her exposed skin. Touko's ticklish-self tried to stifle a giggle. That worked, but a slight moan escaped her lips as N nipped a little harder-

Touko patted her cold cheeks to escape from her flashback. She'd love to reminisce, but she really needed to sleep. She looked at her reflection up and down, scanning herself of her appearance and nodding her head in approval before heading out of the bathroom and flicking the light switch down to turn the lights off.

Touko fully shut the door behind her and stared ahead, only to face darkness. She couldn't even tell where the clock or the silhouette of the bed was. Her back rested against the closed bathroom door, and she stood in place for a minute, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness, although she knew it would take longer than just a minute.

The room still seemed to be dark, but Touko could faintly make out the outline of the bed. However, she couldn't see N – where was the figure on the bed? Maybe her eyes were still trying to adjust, or maybe she was seeing incorrectly-

Suddenly, her wrists were swiftly pinned next to each side of her head on the bathroom door and a body pressed so close to hers. Touko tensed up, startled by the sudden actions. She knew it was N – she felt his bracelets press against her forearms and the warmth of his bare torso on her own exposed skin, and yet-

"Touko," N called out her name, his voice calm and steady, and that was enough to calm Touko and make her feel at ease. Touko relaxed her shoulders. She felt his warm breath linger on her face – his face was close to hers.

"N…" Touko quietly responded. She strained her eyes in the darkness, and was able to barely find his grey eyes, almost eye-level with hers. Touko wished that he let go of her wrists, so she can try to cup his face and know just how close the distance between them was.

N loosened his grip on her wrists but didn't let go. "I want to kiss you, Touko," he told her, and she felt her cheeks heat up from his straightforwardness.

"Is that ok?" he asked. His face moved closer to hers and his lips were close – she knew this because she felt his breath dance on her lips. Touko couldn't help but smile before giving him her answer:

"You don't have to ask, N."

Instinctively, both of them leaned forward to close the distance between them and their lips met. N released his grip from Touko's wrists and encircled her waist, and, once her arms were free, Touko placed her hands on his warm shoulders.

His warm lips upon hers made her grin into their little kiss. She found it amazing how she could experience such comforting and peacful feelings with kisses like these.

N pulled back a bit, his lips barely a few millimeters away from hers. Both of them took the chance to catch their breath before initiating another slow kiss.

"Touko," N breathed, "bed…"

Upon hearing what he had uttered, she froze, until he continued, "Let's sit on the bed for now."

Touko mumbled in agreement and nodded her head. For a second, she thought N was implying that they have sex, even after a failed attempt a few hours ago. If that were to happen, she told herself that she would be ready. Her doctor had ordered her on birth control to regulate her period, which should apply to practicing safe sex too, and surely they had condoms lying around here – after all, this was a love hotel that they were staying in.

Touko didn't lie to herself – she'd love to go that far with N, but she always had her doubts. Would her first time hurt? Touko remembered when Kanon whined about how her first time hurt and how pain eventually turned to pleasure. and what if she accidentally did something wrong during their act? and pregnancy, the worst thing that was on her mind. Sure they'd be protected in some way, but that chance of pregnancy made her cower in dread. Not that she'd mind having his child, but she felt as if she couldn't handle the responsibility that came with one, and having one when she was only 19-

N stopped Touko's train of thought when he slid one of Touko's hands off of his shoulder and intertwined his fingers with hers. He started to walk back to the bed, and Touko wordlessly followed his lead. He sat on the edge of the bed, and motioned Touko to sit on his right side by patting the empty space next to him. She sat on the plush mattress, wondering if he was ready to sleep.

"Hey, N-"

"Touko, was I doing it right?" N questioned, a hint of unease laced in his voice, and this surprised Touko.

"Doing what right?" Touko curiously asked, looking up at him. What worried him?

"…When we were getting… intimate," he said, brushing a couple stray hairs away from his face as he turned to face her. "Was I doing it right?"

_He's still worried about that?_ Touko thought.

Touko's free hand reached for the lamp knob and turned it until it clicked. The lamp dimly lit the area around it – not enough to dimly illuminate the room, but enough for Touko to see everything, and her eyes first examined N. His tea-green hair was disheveled, which could've been the work of her hands earlier in the night and/or just from sleeping. She saw the rise and fall of his bare chest. N exhibited a hickey just above his collarbone, courtesy of Touko. His grey eyes bore into her sapphire eyes, curiously awaiting her answer.

"You did everything right, N," Touko reassured him, bringing their intertwined hands up to her face and pressing the back of his warm hand against her cold cheek. "I… It's me at fault," she continued, her gaze trailing down to N's khaki straightcut jeans. She took notice of the zipper of his pants, which was still down from earlier.

"I just wasn't ready at the time– mentally, I mean," she continued. Instead of continuing to avert her gaze from N's, she looked into his grey eyes, his gaze welcoming hers. "I just kept worrying too much, and that caused me to scare myself…" she trailed off, then sheepishly laughed, "silly me."

"I know we already talked about this, and I thought it over – I'll be ready next time!" she exclaimed to him, using her free arm to wrap around his chest and bring him close to her, "so don't worry about me!"

"You did everything right, N," Touko repeated herself from earlier before she leaned in to peck his lips. Her mouth curved into a smile, "Thank you for being so considerate."

N mirrored her smile in a heartbeat. "Thank you for being honest," he said as lifted their intertwined hands to kiss the back of Touko's hand. Touko merely chuckled in response.

"Lay down, Touko," N told her, and Touko gave him a questioning look before nodding in response, assuming that N wanted to lie down too and get some shut-eye. She released her hand from his to scoot close to her side of the bed. Maybe he just wanted to talk as they lay down, Touko thought.

Touko got herself comfortable and looked over at N, who now faced toward her as he put his knees on the bed and put him arms out to support himself up. Touko watched his movements as soon as he was on the bed, starting with him shuffling his knees to her side, and ending with N hovering over her, his hands planted on the space next to her shoulders, and his knees straddling her waist.

"Touko," N breathed, his eyes staring down at Touko as her eyes stared into his, "if next time was now, would you be ready?"

Surprisingly, even to her, Touko answered without a moment's hesitation, "Yes, I'd be ready."

N only smiled at her response, and began lowered his head down closer to hers. Touko responded to this by closing her eyes and moving her head up just a bit, waiting for his kiss… until he flicked her head. Touko slightly winced before giving N a confused and dumbfounded look.

N chuckled and grinned, "Silly."

Touko's dumbfounded look still stayed on her face as she replied to him, "but I was serious!"

"I know you were, I believe it," N said. His hovering figure left Touko's field of vision, and he sat next to Touko, who now raised herself up to sit alongside him.

"The Deerling-caught-in-headlights look flashed in your eyes for a second; was I wrong?" he asked.

"No, you're right," Touko answered promptly, "I started to panic again, because," Touko breathed out, then let out a 'pffft' sound, "I don't even know why I thought this, maybe because I was panicking, but I thought that, at that exact moment, you were going to rip our pants off and just-"

"No," N cut her off, a tone of shock present in his voice, "you really thought-"

"Yes, I did, until I stopped thinking stupid and told myself that it's _you_, and then I felt reassured." Touko scratched the back of her head sheepishly.

"I don't want you to worry too much around me Touko, especially concerning that," N told her, laying his hand on top of hers, "there may be a next time for that, but that'll come naturally."

Touko let out an awkward laugh because he said 'may be' - that wasn't what she had in mind, and it was quite opposite from what she was thinking now.

"N," Touko said, her gaze diverting from their hands to his eyes, "that's just it though! I'm not as worried anymore, so please don't worry for me concerning that. I _want _a next time – actually I-"

Words failed Touko; why wouldn't they come out of her mouth? Her brain processed it already, and yet no sounds came out. She felt the heat rise to her cheeks from embarrassment, because she meant what she wanted to say.

Touko looked into N's reassuring eyes, and she felt that that was enough to let the words escape.

"I want to continue from where we left off."

Touko's serious look refrained N from quirking an eyebrow. N lightly squeezed her hand, then opened his mouth to speak, "I'd like to also."

Touko noticeably beamed at his response, "Really?" She sounded like a child who had been given permission to jump into a fountain of chocolate.

"Haha, contain your excitement Touko. You'll need that for later – I'll give more to you later anyway, but try not to be so loud," N teased her. He brushed the hair away from Touko's face and tucked it behind her ear. His hand rested on her cheek.

"Heh, don't be so full of yourself," Touko wryly remarked, placing her other hand on top of the one that cradled her cheek.

They warmly stared at each other, as if they were acknowledging what would be done in the later moments of the late night. Wordlessly, they smiled at each other and leaned in, initiating only one of the many kisses that they would share later on.

Needless to say, Touko no longer felt anxious.

**A/N: I believe that you'll let your imagination do the rest to continue on from where I stopped, yeah? ;) Please tell me what you think, whether you like it or dislike it**

**Thank you, & hoped you enjoyed reading this one-shot of mine!**

**-nooblet**


End file.
